​Can we talk about this 2020 holiday season for a minute?

 Many people in America and the world have never gone through so many changes so frequently, for so long, or with such intensity. This post is not only about how to cope with the ‘typical’ holiday blues, but how to navigate complex moments that include grief, loss, and loneliness.
Maybe your grief and loss are recent or maybe you go through some form of it every holiday. Maybe you are experiencing loneliness for the first time or you thought you were used to it by now.  Maybe you are one of 10 million Americans who experience depression this time of year and have supports in place ready to weather another season or you are feeling lost because it really feels different this year. For any reason and no reason in particular, this holiday season is going to be different for all of us. Complex moments call for keeping a simple routine because this can help minimize vulnerability to other stresses and challenging moments. A simple routine may look like: regularly eating small meals/ snacks, hydrate with water every hour, follow prescription medications, avoid alcohol and illicit drugs, have balanced sleep and wake cycles, get fresh air and sunlight daily, and seek help when your regular coping skills do not work.
Your coping skills still work, just maybe not this moment. You are normal. You are normal as you experience your grief, sadness, loneliness, joy, anxiety, gratitude, anger, and every other emotion even during the holidays. Every emotion and thought is normal in context. Grief is normal when you lose some thing or someone; try not to compare or minimize.  Loneliness is normal when you feel isolated or disconnected from others even if by choice.  Anger is normal when you cannot sing for the elderly or serve food at the shelter because of COVID. All emotions and thoughts provide messages that call us to check in and be present for self or others. We just happen to go through most moments mindlessly disconnected. The holidays can stir memories of gathering and celebration as well as remind us of loss and loneliness. We often hold onto grief and loneliness when we fight for the moments that have passed or for the ones we want to come sooner. The first steps to changing emotions is accepting ourselves for having them and becoming aware of ourselves in a moment. You become mindful to the moment as it is, not labeling good or bad, not describing it as you want it to be, only as you are experiencing it. You are in acceptance of the moment, accepting of yourself and others. Like on a mall map kiosk ‘You Are Here’ and can decide where you want to go/ what you need to do next.
The STOP skill is often used when in crisis, but it can feel like crisis when you come to the moment and realize you are still crying, you have been in your pajamas for four days, haven’t eaten in two days, have 26 unanswered text messages, and you can’t remember what day it is because the longer you are home maybe days don’t really matter anymore. Here is how to move on to another moment.

1. S: stop. Yep, stop what you were doing, saying, thinking, chewing, all of it. You are now aware of the moment.
2. T: take a step back physically/ mentally. You could stand, sit up, or shift couch cushions. Notice your breathing. Are you holding it or is it shallow at the top of your chest?  Take 3 slow deep breaths. Check in with your breathing again. Repeat if you want – it’s your moment.
3. O: observe what is happening both inside and outside. Acknowledge and accept your moment/ thought/ emotion by giving it a name, e.g.:

“I haven’t eaten since yesterday.”
“I am really sad right now.”
“I slept for 30 hours and I need a shower.”
“I miss ______.”
“I am going crazy and just want to be around my family and friends.”
“I am making my own stress right now with these stupid lights.”

1. P: proceed mindfully. This is checking into Wise Mind. Notice what is making you vulnerable to the difficult moment and see if there is anything that you can do or say that may change it, make you feel better about it, or allow you to accept it and do something else. Examples:
   1. “Wow, I didn’t realize I forgot my medication today and didn’t eat anything since last night.”  **Eat something small or lite and take prescribed medications when appropriate. Consider setting a timer or sticking reminders near your seat, bed, or workspace. Ask a friend or family member to help as a care buddy until you are back in your routine.
   2. “I just heard ______’s favorite commercial/ song so of course I would think of them and miss them now.”  **Try singing or humming the song again as a remembrance and carry the connection with you or let it pass until next time you reconnect to his/her memory.
   3. “I just don’t have the energy or desire to get off the couch.”  **Try setting your phone timer for 3 minutes then get up, drink some ice water, eat a snack, and change one thing – clean socks, retwist the hair bun, add deodorant, brush your teeth, turn on the lights… anything, and then bam you’re in a new moment.
   4. “I’m reminded of ____________ every year.”  ** Try calling family or a friend to share the story about the person or connect with the person on the phone in this new moment.
   5. “I know staying home is safer with COVID, but I’m feeling so isolated.”  ** Try walking around the block and wave to those physically distanced. Remind yourself why the need for safety with COVID, add the thought ‘this is how it is until it is safer again,’ and act so you have adequate basic supplies. Check in with family and friends if they have what they need or if you can be of service. Connect with new or existing supports for online church, AA/ NA meeting, counseling, or video chat with family or friends.
   6. “I don’t feel like setting out all the decorations and lights this year. I don’t have the energy to do my usual baking.” **Start a new tradition like hanging lights inside, crafting gifts, or teach someone to bake via Skype or Zoom or Duo.

We hope you give yourself what you would give to a friend or family member in your situation, compassion, kindness, and care. We chose simple skills drawn from our therapists providing Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and Dialectical Behavior Therapy. We encourage you to use or share the information with others to make the best of challenging moments and be present to enjoy some of 2020’s holiday moments. 
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Contribution by Misty Andersen

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